What Should Have Been

Behold, children are a gift of the Lord,

The fruit of the womb is a reward. Psalm 127:3

My dad with his 9th grandchild

This week would have marked my due date with baby #5.  I have been filled with a variety of emotions.  I don't know why the pregnancy ended in miscarriage but I choose to trust God.  I think my children have had a harder time than I have.  One of the girls was very upset the other week.  She ran to her room and cried and yelled, "why did God have to take your baby?"  It was so hard to see the pain that she was experiencing...I just cried along with her.

From the attitudes that have been flying around our home, you would have thought that we brought home a new little one.  If you have expereinced bringing home a new baby with older siblings at home, you know what I am talking about.  The acting out, disobedience, anger and sometimes regression that I child expresses when a new little comes home.

Part of me wants to fill the void of the misscarriage with another child, while another part of me says, "I'm done having kids...I'm getting too old."  I know that people have children after 38 and I am not that old, it's just my emotions talking.  At this point, this area of my life is in God's hands anyway. 

I am a firstborn.

I am a perfectionist.

I am not OCD but I can be a control freak. like to be in control.

I want to have everything planned out, but from my experience, not everything in life goes as one plans. The Lord has been dealing with me lately in a lot of different areas. I am hoping that I embrace what He is teaching me so I don't have to go around that mountain again.  It's one thing to know God's Word, but it's another thing to live like you believe it.

I pray that I learn to live a life a faith, everyday trusting Him, even when I don't understand it.